i'm good at shutting things away. the things that hurt, the things that suffocate me, the things i miss or want so bad i feel this ache inside of me. and i shut them away behind bolted doors, and sometimes in the hectic daily life, i do forget most of it. it's like the things never happened, or the people are just figments of my imagination, mere shadows that flit at the back of my mind.

but it is only in the quiet moments in the night, that the doors open slightly.. and longing more than anything else comes creeping out. longing for so many things, so many places, so many people. things, places and people i can't have right now. or maybe can't ever have..

and at the same time, when these doors are shut, not only do they keep things in, they keep the new things out. so stuck i am.

i miss this quiet time in the middle of the night. where it's just me, the silence and the darkness. it is a good time indeed.

okay, i can't quite find a video that allows me to embed it here, but please go watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HShpoVtjzko

i don't know if it was the song, or the choreography, or the pure raw emotion radiating from alex and allison, but the tears just wouldn't stop throughout the whole thing. it was so good. it takes my breath away. the beauty and the pain. it was wonderful.

i wish i was in the middle east. i wish i was part of it. i wish i was making a bigger difference in this world.

cynical people leave a really bitter taste in my mouth. i will get there. i swear i will. the fact that i'm really happy where i am now doesn't deter me from that. hell i'm choosing the treacherous rocky mountain pass that leads to god knows where, over the smooth pavement that leads to a minimum level of 'success' or comfort. i hope i make it through the next few years with this thought intact.

it's challenging, but not difficult. it's fun, i don't hate it, i don't dread each morning, i genuinely enjoy myself, i'm thriving in my conditions, i like all the people, i am stimulated mentally each day, and i go to sleep with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction everyday.

and yet.. i'm still wishing for more. to act, or dance, or go to new york, or run off to some isolated corner in this world. this is the calm gentle rocking of a boat in a lake. and while it is peaceful, uneventful, easy and comfortable. i miss the ups-and-downs, the tears, the euphoria, the drama, the extremes, the craziness. it's been a good 2 half years since i settled into this quite niche i've created. and i think it's only a matter of time before i get tired of this quietness and seek the bright lights again :p

sometimes i feel so damn ungrateful.

but a dream's a dream. what is the point in existing if i don't have one. how do i face myself when i'm on my death bed and realise i've done nothing to leave my mark on this world. and that would be it, i'd die and disappear and there would have been no difference if i had never been born.

a tear, a laugh, a smile is the same no matter what colour your skin is, what country you are from or what language you speak. love, happiness, sadness and despair is the same.

we are all the same, and yet we are blinded by colour, nationality, languages and religion. i don't understand how people can dismiss a fellow human being. i just don't understand it. at the end of the day, everyone's the same. whether you are a 'highly educated' professional, a dictator, a rebel, a foreign worker or a child. no one has the right to dismiss another human being.

teehee (: recognition and appreciation for my hard work feels absolutely wonderful. teehee. super happy.

early vday dinner with my parents tmr night at mbs. mms steak :D i've been craving meat. team lunch on sunday night 0_o this is our 'punishment'. hahahaha. karaoke with the young ones on monday. hahaha. we've got kpop, glee & lady gaga all lined up. that and two free lunches this week, plus yummy mojitos, cleared my week's deadlines and lovely ppl makes for one hell of a week. hahaha.

nothing nothing absolutely nothing can replace the feeling of warmth, comfort, solace, love and being understood than the few precious words that were sent across space.

ten years my friends (: ten years since we met. ten years since i insulted you. ten years since you pulled me back from the bad insanity and into the best insanity. i love you my old old friends. haha.

i need to stop double-spacing after every full stop damnit -.-

i love it how when dancers jump for joy, they still jump with pretty pointed toes (:

i feel like maybe it might be time to go back again.

happy chinese new year (: here i am tapping away at my research memo. ahaha. well at least i'm shou-shui-ing. grins. oh it was hilarious how i had to explain how shou-shui and ren2 re4 (7th day of e cny) to e pupils room. hahaha.

apparently the partners know all our secrets (including our blogs) 0_o hahaha. so erh hello?